some honesty

I've been battling ever since I started this blog (2 days ago, I know-don't judge) on how to continue it.  What do I say next?  Will my readers, if I have any readers, like it? 

I had a friend text me after I posted that she liked my blog and it made my heart a flutter, since I'm being honest in this post.  I told her she just boosted my self esteem and I felt like Glen Coco, and not Gretchen Weiners ("4 for you, Glen Coco, you go Glen Coco!...aaaand, none for Gretchen Weiners") and that no matter if I told myself it didn't matter if people liked what I put down or not, that's not the truth.  I do care, and as much as I'd like to find my complete identity in the Lord at all times, I still falter and get caught up in how others view me. But I do still want to write something that y'all enjoy... so you're welcome to hold me to that and call me out ;)

I would like to take this chance to thank everyone who's reached out and hollered at your girl-woop! Ahem, Ok, I'm back.  My initial thought is that it sucks that something like this should bond people together, but I realize that's not true!  It can't just be the good times, the bridal showers and new babies and graduations and completions of the Hunger Games trilogy where we should get stoked and congratulate each other-life isn't just about that.  It's messy.  It's dirty.  And it's sad, sometimes too.  But we're not just connected through good times, we're not just friends when it's happy.  And that's what I'm reminded of when y'all "like" my post about having Hodgkins or write something on my wall, text me, call me, or whoever sent that one random carrier pigeon yesterday...we encourage and uplift each other through the shit, too.  And please don't feel bad if you haven't or don't say anything-because I'm totes one of those people-I will read your updates, love to hear what's going on in your life, see new pics, get mad when you don't have a new blog post for 3 days, and yet I'll never comment myself.  There's some honesty for ya!  But I appreciate it all.

So, you may or may not be wondering, "What's a ninnymuggin, anyway?"  Like many other good quotes and phrases in my life, it originates from a move, in this case Elf.  (Where Will Ferrel's character refers to himself as a "cottonheaded ninnymuggin" which is quite an insult)  however, over the course of this summer it changed, it morphed, and it became instead, a phrase of endearment.  There are two whom I refer to who are ninnymuggins, the first being her:

The adorable Kris Jerauld-the Retail Manager at Rockbridge Alum Springs, whom I had the pleasure of working under this summer, learning how a YL Camp Store runs.  She's also the one who introduced me to the wonder of the Flip n' Fold, and made me super angry at myself for thrifting the one Chad had when we got married.  You know how sometimes names just stick?  I can't even tell you how we started using "ninnymuggins," probably from one of our epic movie quoting sessions, but it stuck and she's my little ninnymuggins now.

The second whom I refer to as ninnymuggins, or ninny for short is him:

That's not the original pic I wanted to use...being an avid cat lady already, I've got many more pics to choose from, but I guess you'll have to wait for more posts to see those!  Look at him with his little mouse, he's so cute, little ninny.  Oh, why is he wearing a cone?  It's a long story, I'll tell it at some point, but know that he's getting it off soon! 

p.s. This blog has taken me like 2 hours so far...anybody who knows their way around blogspot, I'd welcome some advice.  like, how do I put a pic in the background? 

Anyway, I'll finish with some funny bullet points about chemo thusfar, and I'll write more tomorrow on cancer and how it's affecting us, what we've been through to this point...

Dear chemo, while I understand you're here to help, you're still poison, flowing through my veins killing both good and bad cells.  So on that note, here's how I feel about you and what you do to my body right now:

• I'm excited when I can actually blame you for my poor memory.  "Chemo brain" is what I hear the folks call it.
• I feel 50/50 about the fatigue you cause me.  I enjoy daily naps with the best of 'em,  but I'm still not so sure about this "tired all the time" business.
• Thank you for only taking away the ability to choose when I poop for 5 days this past treatment.  That was also my first bout with constipation, ever.  I don't recommend it.  But, on the plus side, when all that wore off and the anti-constipation drugs kicked in, I'm only 2 diarrhea's away from my goal weight!
• Jaw pain was an interesting side affect.  Made me feel like I was 13 again and getting a new wire on, but it also makes me glad I'm a super nerd and still wear my retainer at night, cause I do not want to go through braces again...talk about social suicide! ;)
• One good thing you've done (besides hopefully shrink the mass in my chest) is make me realize how amazing my husband is...so attentive, wanting and available to help my every need.  A girl could get used to this.

xoxo Em 

the beginning...a very good place to start

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me. I'm not sleepy, and there is no place I'm going to...

1st fun fact about Emily: I love when a song comes to mind.  Whether it be in conversation or just my own thoughts tumbling around my head, I love when I'm reminded of something and the words start to flow, then I hum or sing the tune. 

Why bob dylan then?  Good question.  I know, I know-you think I'd be pretending to stand on the mountain top, belting out Do-Re-Mi with the best of the Julie Andrews interpreters from this blog title.  But fun fact: I like to have music as the background to my life, and the first thing that stroke (striked?) my fancy in iTunes was mr. dylan, so here we are.  
Where are we? You, thoroughly confused as to what the heck I'm talking about, me now enjoying the sweet crooning of Maggie's Farm in the background, and hoping to make sense.  It makes perfect sense-I'm not sleepy, even though it's 11:30 pm-that would be because of my earlier 6 hour nap.  Ok, ok, you got me.  It was 7 hours.  Geeze, let it go.

Ok: my purpose here.

Does a blog really need a purpose these days?  For those good at writing, surely not.  For those with something interesting to say, obvi that's the purpose.  And I'm hoping to fall in the second category, cause I've never been great at writing.  So if you stumble upon this, I hope you enjoy it and the snapshot into my life :)

The snapshot these days looks like this: a little bit of cancer.  As in, I've got a little bit of cancer.

Should I have buffered that more?  Eased you into it? Not my style today, suck it up.

Story time...(picture an old episode of I Dream of Jeannie when Barbara Eden makes something happen for "master" and the screen got all hazy and psychedelic and you heard bells and music playing you into the next scene)

A few weeks ago, I had some abnormal symptoms.  Fatigue, body aches, chest pain, difficulty breathing, night sweats.  A few days of this and my mother practically drove me herself to the doctor, cause I didn't want to go.  Sidenote: I'm not against going to the doctor, but usually it's nothing, so I'll take some advil, rub some dirt in it and move on.  But seeing as how she works in the oncology department at a hospital, I can only imagine how the wheels were turning, knowing she had heard these symptoms before, and those with them usually end up somehow under her care...no bueno.  Well, my lovely PA here gave me a full work up, asked all the right questions, let me rant about how it might be because of my sick cat, and did I get whatever he has?  She was respectful, though and didn't laugh in my face.  She finished her work up, told me she thought it was a virus of some sort and indicated that I should wait it out for the rest of the symptoms to go away.  In the end, I asked-at my mothers urging, "Can we do a chest x-ray?"  to which she graciously replied, "Of course, if that would put your mind at ease." 

I waited a day or two to get the x-ray-we had a friend in town, I didn't want to interrupt our chill sesh!
Living in a small town, or maybe because that's how these things work, my PA got the results that same day.  So maybe a few hours after I got home, I got a call from her, "Well, we don't like what we see on this x-ray, you're going to have to come in and get a CT of your chest [more detail in a CT, they can see a better picture of what's going on].  "Ok."  So that's when the Danner Whirlwind Worldwide tour of Southwest and Central VA started.  Not the best name for when we actually go on tour, I know.  I should pare it down...T-shirts are gonna cost a fortune to print.

Anyway, CT came back and again, "We don't like what we see."  Seems I had a mass in my anterior mediastinum.  A mass in my chest, right below my collarbone.  So, living in small town America, we don't have the luxury of world class medicine, but we do have a great farmers market on Wednesdays!  However, we do have the luxury of living an hour away from a fantastic medical system: UVA.  That's the University of Virginia, for if I ever have anybody from out of state read this.  So calls were made, emails were sent, records were faxed, and we were on our way to the new Emily Couric Cancer Center in Charlottesville!  [Cue the Beverly Hillbillies Themesong]

Things happened so fast, what a blessing.  Because waiting is the worst, ya know? Within a week, I had an appointment with my new oncologist, a biopsy of the mass done, a full body PET scan, and the results: Stage 2 Hodgkin Lymphoma.  (Cancer of the lymph system) My doctor told me, "If you have to have any type of cancer, this is the one you want."  Now don't mishear me, or rather, misread.  Nobody wants cancer.  Nobody wishes that upon themselves or anyone else...or nobody that I've ever heard of.  But praise God for the advances in medical technology these days, because they know so much about Hodgkin Lymphoma, and it's so responsive to the therapies people are on that the cure rate is 80-95%.  That's awesome!  I started chemo last Friday, and have my next one this coming Thursday...so stay posted for that! Things are looking great for me, I've got a fantastic team of doctors, nurses, staff and whoever else makes the Emily Couric Center run, a wonderful husband (best nurse award 2012: Chad Danner!), great family supporting me, fabulous friends being there however we may need...y'all, if you take anything away from this, it's that God is so so good.  So you don't believe in Him or don't care?  That's ok.  I hope you won't mind if I share about how I do believe and how I do have faith in who He is to me.  More on that in the future.

So after the news started to get out, my little joke was that," I'll keep y'all updated by email, or if I'm feeling crafty-I'll start a blog!"  Well, I guess this is me getting crafty.  I get bored kind of easily, so I'm already bored with myself and "hearing" myself talk...so I'm gonna leave you for now.

But this wee little blog is gonna be an outlet for me-to let you, friends, family, maybe random internet troller, what's going on in this Danner household, how treatment is going, fun stories from our life, and how God is tying all this together to make one crazy, messy, beautiful story of our lives...for the whole world to read...if they want.

xoxo Em

p.s. Enjoy this photo of Chad and I from earlier this spring...pictures make blogs so much better, btdubs.  I will try and never post without a picture...it makes reading that much more fun.  tata for now!