Cleaning out my iTunes

A formidable task.

It's been on my to-do list for...mmm about 18 months.  That's a year and a half.  At least.  I have lots of music, thanks to a major sharing sesh a few years ago with a bunch of friends.  But I have a lot of duplicates, too.  14 GB worth...ugh.  I mean, Miley, I like you cause you know how to party and make me want to dance, but does one person really need 5 copies of Party in the USA?

Or do they...I'm having second thoughts on deleting these extra 4 copies.  I mean, if I delete those extras, will I also be obligated to get rid of my Cat Stevens extras?? 

Buuuttt, considering that TOMORROW IS MY LAST CHEMO EVER, (!!!!!!) cleaning out my iTunes has much more meaning to me right now.  Like, cleaning out my iTunes is also encouraging me to clean out other things in my life...ridding myself of things not honoring to God, or character flaws that are, well...flawed.  And it's not just the "it's a new year, I'm motivated to change because that's what we're supposed to do," or "I'm finishing up a big chapter in my life and feel like I need to be accomplished in other ways as well unless I've wasted this time of cancer," it's more like, "wow, nothing this big has even happened in my life, and what kind of legacy am I leaving behind (in general)?" "How will I be remembered?"  and more importantly, "How am I encouraging others to live?"  What am I doing or how am I living that I would also love my friends to live like me? (not that it's about me, though...dang this chemo brain.  It's hard to articulate exactly what I want to say)

Sounds a little self-centered.  But that's one thing I'm looking forward to leaving behind soon :)  This time of cancer and chemo...

which, sidenote: 2 months flies by!  It's been a long long time (that's all you get, but name that tune!)  [Hint: it's not the Bing Crosby or Louis Armstrong version...think early to mid 2000's.]  2 months since I've really written anything substantial in sweet little Ninny.  Much has happened.  I look forward to filling you in...if anyone is still reading.  Anyone, anyone, Bueller, Bueller, Bueller?? And I know...last chemo tomorrow?  It's flown by.  Or maybe just for me.  Crazy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4zyjLyBp64

Back to above...I'm looking forward to it not being all about me.  Truth, I've never felt SO LOVED as I have during these past 6 months.  Truth, I've never gotten as many cards, packages, love letters ;) meals, well wishes, concerned emails, fb messages, texts, tweets and visits as in these past 6 months.  But it will be nice to not talk about me for a while.  Oh, I'm sure I'll find some way to be the center of attention, but I won't like it.  No I won't ;)  But seriously, Chad and I have been and will continue to be so so open about talking about anything that has been going on, what's next, how treatment is going, why I've gained 30 lbs (prednisone.  stay away if you can.  it's a DEATH TRAP!) 

How I look normally now, I guess.

 How I feel, and how I think I look nowadays :)  No FatFace App needed here!

But for all this to be over, at least the chemo and (fingers crossed) cancer part is yet another blessing.  To not have to answer those questions of "how are you feeling today," and "how is this treatment going," will be another blessing, because I'll be done.  Not because I don't like answering those questions.  My answers will be, "I'm feeling normal because I'm back to normal :)" and "No treatment for me anymore, woo hoo!"  I'm stoked.  So stoked to be finished.  I'm stoked to hear more about YOU.  To be able to focus on YOUR life, and what's new, what's happened, what's the latest!?  To not have to focus on me all the time.  Because I won't have to worry if I took my morning, or noon, or nighttime drugs, or if I ate in the past 2 hours so I don't get nauseous, or what glass of water I'm on for today...and when's the last time I pooped?  I'll be able to make it through a day without a nap...mmm, scratch that.  I might keep that.  But to get through the day without having to sit down and rest?  Heck yes!  To do a task as menial as going to the grocery store without breaking out in a full sweat because any physical exertion *litcherally* does that to me.  To be able to remember what I was going to do, and why I came into this room in the first place!  And babies.  To be able to be around babies and little kids again-joyous :)  And to be around friends and not use hand sanitizer all the time.  Or worry if someone is sick, and "I'm sorry, I can't hang out with you."  It's borderline Mean Girls..."you can't sit with us!"  "But sweatpants are all that fits me right now!"  Which is ironic, because I started out the mean girl in that scenario, but ended up the Regina George, because sweatpants really are all that fits me right now.  Dang prednisone. 


And I've changed, too.  Changed throughout this whole ordeal, this season.  I have a different perspective and outlook on things, on almost all of life, from whence I started.  Kind of what you expect from something huge and major and life altering, I know...walking cliche. 

(I've always wanted to use the word whence.  Nailed it, just like Fat Amy from Pitch Perfect.)

But more on the changes later...no need for this to be the length of Les Mis.

So as a Christian, I've often prayed for, "Break my heart for what breaks yours, Lord."  And I've got a broken heart these days.  In the Emily Couric Cancer Center at UVA, in the stories that I've heard throughout these 6 months.  It's heartbreaking.  So many people have it worse than me.  Worse cancer, worse time with chemo, radiation, drugs, recovery, all of it.  And you know what?  It's bringing me to a closer place with Jesus.  And I love it :)  Not for those who are suffering.  No, never that.  Not for what people have to go through in this nasty nasty thing called cancer.  But for hope.  Because "...We rejoice in our sufferings because trials and tribulations produce perseverance, perseverance produces character, character produces hope.  And hope does not disappoint..." (Romans 5:1-5ish)  It's difficult for me to explain how I came to that conclusion, how I have faith and hope from all this. Guess that's just Jesus.  I don't fully understand Him.  And I'm ok with that :)

But maybe Kanye's version of Stronger will help me explain what I mean...when he says, "that that that that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger..." or perhaps when Miss Kelly Clarkson belts out,"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller..."

So hope.  Hope for now.  Hope for forever.  In whatever the outcome.  

So I conclude with a shoutout to some folks who are dealing with and living amazing stories, some sad, some joyful, and some a combo of both.
 
For new babies (being born tomorrow!), I give a shoutout to the Carters, Hayden and DC and little (but soon to be big brother) Rowe.  We can't wait to meet Katie Mack :)

For more new babes, shoutout to the Garbers, Becca, Elliott and daughter Lena!  They're expecting baby #2, a little man nugget any day now!  Woo!  You can read Becca's blog all about their life in Italy (ooo, fancy and abroad!) here!

For more soon-to-be babies and bun in the oven baby Rawls!  T and Steve, we are stoked for little nugget Rawls to come in May and look forward to a summer at the pool with him. (or her.  but it's so a him, I think)

For continued hope and faith throughout, shoutout to the Ryders, Libby and Justin, little Ava and new baby Lyla.  You can read Libby's story with Hodgkins Lymphoma here.  Her blog is so good and so addicting, you won't want to leave it!

For a family I don't know very well at all, but whose precious little boy has had to, and will continue to, go through some major major surgeries and things in life, shoutout and prayers to the Sibigas, Tommy and Ellie and little Tucker.  You can read their unfolding story here.

And for an old friend who just found out some crazy crazy news, shoutout to Alex.  Pulling and praying for you, man.  You can read his story here.

I feel like I forgot someone I wanted to mention.  Chemo brain.  Dang, what will be my reason for forgetting when chemo brain is gone?  

No worries.  I look forward to that day, to remembering.

So cheers.  And I'll see you on the other side.







Which is just tomorrow and being done with chemo.  That was kind of an ominous way to end a post.
xoxo Em