Cleaning out my iTunes

A formidable task.

It's been on my to-do list for...mmm about 18 months.  That's a year and a half.  At least.  I have lots of music, thanks to a major sharing sesh a few years ago with a bunch of friends.  But I have a lot of duplicates, too.  14 GB worth...ugh.  I mean, Miley, I like you cause you know how to party and make me want to dance, but does one person really need 5 copies of Party in the USA?

Or do they...I'm having second thoughts on deleting these extra 4 copies.  I mean, if I delete those extras, will I also be obligated to get rid of my Cat Stevens extras?? 

Buuuttt, considering that TOMORROW IS MY LAST CHEMO EVER, (!!!!!!) cleaning out my iTunes has much more meaning to me right now.  Like, cleaning out my iTunes is also encouraging me to clean out other things in my life...ridding myself of things not honoring to God, or character flaws that are, well...flawed.  And it's not just the "it's a new year, I'm motivated to change because that's what we're supposed to do," or "I'm finishing up a big chapter in my life and feel like I need to be accomplished in other ways as well unless I've wasted this time of cancer," it's more like, "wow, nothing this big has even happened in my life, and what kind of legacy am I leaving behind (in general)?" "How will I be remembered?"  and more importantly, "How am I encouraging others to live?"  What am I doing or how am I living that I would also love my friends to live like me? (not that it's about me, though...dang this chemo brain.  It's hard to articulate exactly what I want to say)

Sounds a little self-centered.  But that's one thing I'm looking forward to leaving behind soon :)  This time of cancer and chemo...

which, sidenote: 2 months flies by!  It's been a long long time (that's all you get, but name that tune!)  [Hint: it's not the Bing Crosby or Louis Armstrong version...think early to mid 2000's.]  2 months since I've really written anything substantial in sweet little Ninny.  Much has happened.  I look forward to filling you in...if anyone is still reading.  Anyone, anyone, Bueller, Bueller, Bueller?? And I know...last chemo tomorrow?  It's flown by.  Or maybe just for me.  Crazy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4zyjLyBp64

Back to above...I'm looking forward to it not being all about me.  Truth, I've never felt SO LOVED as I have during these past 6 months.  Truth, I've never gotten as many cards, packages, love letters ;) meals, well wishes, concerned emails, fb messages, texts, tweets and visits as in these past 6 months.  But it will be nice to not talk about me for a while.  Oh, I'm sure I'll find some way to be the center of attention, but I won't like it.  No I won't ;)  But seriously, Chad and I have been and will continue to be so so open about talking about anything that has been going on, what's next, how treatment is going, why I've gained 30 lbs (prednisone.  stay away if you can.  it's a DEATH TRAP!) 

How I look normally now, I guess.

 How I feel, and how I think I look nowadays :)  No FatFace App needed here!

But for all this to be over, at least the chemo and (fingers crossed) cancer part is yet another blessing.  To not have to answer those questions of "how are you feeling today," and "how is this treatment going," will be another blessing, because I'll be done.  Not because I don't like answering those questions.  My answers will be, "I'm feeling normal because I'm back to normal :)" and "No treatment for me anymore, woo hoo!"  I'm stoked.  So stoked to be finished.  I'm stoked to hear more about YOU.  To be able to focus on YOUR life, and what's new, what's happened, what's the latest!?  To not have to focus on me all the time.  Because I won't have to worry if I took my morning, or noon, or nighttime drugs, or if I ate in the past 2 hours so I don't get nauseous, or what glass of water I'm on for today...and when's the last time I pooped?  I'll be able to make it through a day without a nap...mmm, scratch that.  I might keep that.  But to get through the day without having to sit down and rest?  Heck yes!  To do a task as menial as going to the grocery store without breaking out in a full sweat because any physical exertion *litcherally* does that to me.  To be able to remember what I was going to do, and why I came into this room in the first place!  And babies.  To be able to be around babies and little kids again-joyous :)  And to be around friends and not use hand sanitizer all the time.  Or worry if someone is sick, and "I'm sorry, I can't hang out with you."  It's borderline Mean Girls..."you can't sit with us!"  "But sweatpants are all that fits me right now!"  Which is ironic, because I started out the mean girl in that scenario, but ended up the Regina George, because sweatpants really are all that fits me right now.  Dang prednisone. 


And I've changed, too.  Changed throughout this whole ordeal, this season.  I have a different perspective and outlook on things, on almost all of life, from whence I started.  Kind of what you expect from something huge and major and life altering, I know...walking cliche. 

(I've always wanted to use the word whence.  Nailed it, just like Fat Amy from Pitch Perfect.)

But more on the changes later...no need for this to be the length of Les Mis.

So as a Christian, I've often prayed for, "Break my heart for what breaks yours, Lord."  And I've got a broken heart these days.  In the Emily Couric Cancer Center at UVA, in the stories that I've heard throughout these 6 months.  It's heartbreaking.  So many people have it worse than me.  Worse cancer, worse time with chemo, radiation, drugs, recovery, all of it.  And you know what?  It's bringing me to a closer place with Jesus.  And I love it :)  Not for those who are suffering.  No, never that.  Not for what people have to go through in this nasty nasty thing called cancer.  But for hope.  Because "...We rejoice in our sufferings because trials and tribulations produce perseverance, perseverance produces character, character produces hope.  And hope does not disappoint..." (Romans 5:1-5ish)  It's difficult for me to explain how I came to that conclusion, how I have faith and hope from all this. Guess that's just Jesus.  I don't fully understand Him.  And I'm ok with that :)

But maybe Kanye's version of Stronger will help me explain what I mean...when he says, "that that that that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger..." or perhaps when Miss Kelly Clarkson belts out,"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller..."

So hope.  Hope for now.  Hope for forever.  In whatever the outcome.  

So I conclude with a shoutout to some folks who are dealing with and living amazing stories, some sad, some joyful, and some a combo of both.
 
For new babies (being born tomorrow!), I give a shoutout to the Carters, Hayden and DC and little (but soon to be big brother) Rowe.  We can't wait to meet Katie Mack :)

For more new babes, shoutout to the Garbers, Becca, Elliott and daughter Lena!  They're expecting baby #2, a little man nugget any day now!  Woo!  You can read Becca's blog all about their life in Italy (ooo, fancy and abroad!) here!

For more soon-to-be babies and bun in the oven baby Rawls!  T and Steve, we are stoked for little nugget Rawls to come in May and look forward to a summer at the pool with him. (or her.  but it's so a him, I think)

For continued hope and faith throughout, shoutout to the Ryders, Libby and Justin, little Ava and new baby Lyla.  You can read Libby's story with Hodgkins Lymphoma here.  Her blog is so good and so addicting, you won't want to leave it!

For a family I don't know very well at all, but whose precious little boy has had to, and will continue to, go through some major major surgeries and things in life, shoutout and prayers to the Sibigas, Tommy and Ellie and little Tucker.  You can read their unfolding story here.

And for an old friend who just found out some crazy crazy news, shoutout to Alex.  Pulling and praying for you, man.  You can read his story here.

I feel like I forgot someone I wanted to mention.  Chemo brain.  Dang, what will be my reason for forgetting when chemo brain is gone?  

No worries.  I look forward to that day, to remembering.

So cheers.  And I'll see you on the other side.







Which is just tomorrow and being done with chemo.  That was kind of an ominous way to end a post.
xoxo Em

.Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas from the Ericsons, Danners, Mogers, and Charlie Cat :)

This pic was snapped on my (ahh) 26th birthday! More to come on all this and fam-damily time :)

 Merry Christmas!  Hope you got what you wished for, like a kitty in a box. 

 *Wink* (or in reality, my whiskers got caught in my cone again and you snapped the shot at juuuust the right time)

it's over?!

Say it isn't so!  Thanksgiving comes but once a year, and it's time to say goodbye.  Well, technically we said goodbye yesterday morning, but this is just really an excuse to put up cute baby pics!

We love being an aunt and an uncle.  I admit, since I married into being an aunt (Mason was in the picture before I was...) I've had my hesitations.  Such as, "am I ready for this?" or "Will I love my niece and nephew the best that they deserve?"  And, "will my brother and sister in law forgive us if one of the kids happens to roll over on the other one?"

Whew! Good thing I was taking pictures of said rolling over, instead of preventing it...ah, she's tough, didn't even cry ;)

Here's some more pics of our week up north...just for funzies.

Bath time trio!

 what the heck, man? 

Oh no, we're good.  I can handle it.

Mason loves going for walks...Daisy however, well...this photo explains her attitude about it.  Rookie mistake, Emily.  Thank goodness for this handy bucket on the back!

 "Pop pop, take mower outside?"  He also loves to vacuum! He'll do your whole house...you can pay him in animal crackers.

Lastly, the baby whisperer.  They both fell asleep not too long after this was taken.

This week with family was fabulous.  Just another reminder that life is all about relationships.  I'm thankful we were able to take the time to be with some people we love.  I don't make light of the 8 hour time difference between us, and the blessing it is to just be for a while.  Be with family, be present, be an aunt and an uncle, be a brother and sister in law, a cousin, a nephew, just be friends.

 

Oh, and totally be addicted to The Walking Dead.  Which we now are.  Where have I been since 2010?

In this fast paced world (what am I, a bad Discovery Channel promo?)...but really, in this crazy, smart phone infested, technology overloaded world, take some time to breathe.  The twitter updates will still be streaming when you get back, your Facebook newsfeed will overwhelm you (but what's new?) and there will be no shortage of kick ass sunset pictures with just the right filter on Instagram, no matter how many hours it's been since you logged on...but don't let that overwhelm your day.  Face to face really will make that relationship stronger, repair that friendship, or maybe just give you the opportunity to meet someone new.  Try just being for a while.  Don't fill up your day with do, rather, be.  Try it out :)

xoxo Em

Fashion Show, Fashion Show....

Fashion show at lunch!

 Clearly her favorite...I smell a little fashionista in the future!  Wait...I smell something else too...diaper timeee

 Ah! What am I wearing?

 Oh, you're right.  Super cute. Tutu time!

 She's got snowflakes on her little feet!

 My favorite.  I found this gem in her closet...she's got more clothes than I do...and it's just big enough that I think it'll fit her until Christmas, too! I just want to take her to the opera or something.

Marin and I had a little fashion show yesterday...I'd been dying to do it since we arrived earlier this week, but dang it-that girl knows how to sleep! and I never took the chance when she was awake.  So we made it happen yesterday between diaper changes.  I only got 3 outfits in...I think she had it with me after this last outfit...do you know how hard it is to get tights on a 2 month old?  But we had fun [I had fun] and she was a good sport.  

Thankful for little babies, family, and the opportunity to be up here celebrating with my *new* family for the holiday.  Enjoy your food coma later!

Shout out to all the RI fam-damily celebrating today!  Miss y'all!  And shout out to the Mogers down in VA, and the Ericsons out in CA :)  Love y'all.

Go tell someone you appreciate and love them today.  Tell them with an extra helping of gravy on those potatoes ;)  

xoxo

Semi-Sweet

Semi-sweet...arguably the most used version of chocolate chips.  And also, today's mood.  My mood.  Things are on the up and up, I'm on the uphill climb part of this journey.  I think of life in pictures, and many times I view the struggles I go through as a journey down a mountain, like, "Oh man...going downhill is a metaphor for heading somewhere I don't want to be...there's probably a big stinking pile of poo poo at the bottom of this mountain.  Sucks I'm heading there.  Hope I don't step in it."  On the other hand the excitement, the more joyous times are when I'm climbing up the mountain, like, "heck yea! We're going up, up to the top of this sweet mountain to see the awesome view it has...and anything else that might be up there! cool!"

disclaimer: I know others who use this particular vision/picture/model when thinking of life or situations in life and I also know that it makes perfect sense to view ups and downs completely opposite of how I just described.  Sure, when you're going downhill it's easier, so the downhill could be your positive times.  And yes, climbing uphill sucks.  It hurts, you get out of breath, if you're walking with someone it's embarrassing because you can't get more than 3 words out without gasping for air...I get it.  Let's agree to disagree, eh, pacha? 

but p.s. Going uphill totally helps your butt look good in the end.  So totes worth it.  Ok, ok, choose your own way to think about it.  But it's still satisfying going uphill.

I had a great conversation today with an old old ...wooden ship?  Why does a movie quote pop into my head right when I'm getting all serious!?  No, I had a great conversation with an old friend today.  Our conversations are always spot on (that's for you, Katie Sienicki) and this friend is one of those people I can be transparent with, completely honest.  Ha, sometimes more honest than I'm willing to be with myself.  Anyway, things are on the up and up because I'm being honest with myself...about a lot.  Starting with why chemo isn't fun anymore.  Not to sound like a broken record about it, but I am...sooo, oops!  I'm a verbal processor...written word processor?  So you get to process some of this with me :)  All in all, I was made aware today that I'm fed up with chemo because the novelty of it, the idea of it has worn off.  If I'm honest with myself, and I'm trying to be, before I liked the idea that I had cancer.  It set me apart from others, it made some people recognize me, or remember me, feel for me, care for me.  And I like that.  I wish I could say "I liked that," but the prideful part of me still relishes in that.  I'm in a constant battle against my pride.  Like St. Augustine noted, "pride is the love of one's own excellence."  I wish I knew that because I read it somewhere cool, but I totes got it off Wikipedia.  Ah, a work in progress I am.  It's an ugly part of who I am, my pride and everything that it brings, but I have hope.  Hope for myself, if I may be so bold.  I don't want to be this way forever, even if it's just a part of me.  So I'll look forward to that day, and work on those things that are a bit ugly about me and my character, and I ask for grace during it. 

Whew.  That was emotionally taxing to write that...paragraph.  Haha.  but it was, don't hate.

On a lighter note...haha, this reminds me of a favorite skit of mine, by the comedian Bill Engvall...he comments that we should all be so lucky if we could only change subjects the way newscasters do.  by looking to a different camera. [stage left, camera 1] "And the severed head was found in an elevator shaft." [stage right, camera 3] "Good news for egg lovers!"

Did I distract you long enough?  Good!  Cause today I'm also bringing you semi-sweetness in the form of a family favorite around Thanksgiving.  Chocolate mint cookies.  (the name could use some work, thanks for noticing)

nom nom nom, the finished product!

Oh, the best part of them...they use Andies candies as the "frosting!" I couldn't find the boxes of them this year, so I got the bags and they have little Christmas decor on them...getting freshy fresh Andies!

unnecessary photo.  You'll do just fine and recognize your own dough without the photo comparison, I'm sure.  But yes, I did win #1 Dad, thanks for noticing!  What? Yes I won fair and square. The contest ended last week, where were you?

Anyway.  They. are. delicious!  But don't just take my word for it, make them yourself.  They're super duper easy!  Here's the recipe:

 

Chocolate Mint cookies.

 

Combine and microwave to incorporate: (maybe 1.5 min?)

3/4 c. butter or margarine

1 1/2 c. light brown sugar

2 Tbsp water

 

Add  2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips, stir to melt.

Add:

2 eggs

2 1/2 c flour

1 1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

mix!

Chill dough for 1 hour.  Shape into balls and place on cookie sheet (with Pam) (or parchment paper) Bake at 350 for 10-13 minutes.  Wait at least 5 minutes for cookies to cool. Frost with 2 boxes melted Andies candies.  Recipe freezes really well!  

*Depending on your oven, I would try them at 9-10 min at first, see how it goes, but you'll probably need more like 11-12 minutes.  

Happy Baking!

xoxo Em

Bittersweet

Do I really have cancer?  Doesn't my life right now consist of Thanksgiving activities, planning for Christmas, visits with friends, getting ready for my birthdayyy (next month, and as Lizzie Douglas always told us, "It's not your birthday, it's your birth month.") and an inordinate amount of baking ... other shenanigans? 

Yes.  Life does look like that.  But not just like that.  There's chemo treatments, recovery period, lots of sleeping, excessive eating [oh, that's not different because of cancer?  yea, you're right. dagger. ] and then doing it all over again in two weeks.  I feel like I'm busy trying to fit in what I want to be doing in the time left.  Family, friends, remembering anything for longer than a few moments. 

It's just odd.  Just odd when I step back sometimes and think, "Wow.  I have cancer."  Even though I feel like cancer is so prevalent these days...I think we all know someone who's been affected by it, everybody we know has a loved one who's had/has cancer.  It's still weird, maybe one of those things I thought I'd never be affected by...not personally at least.

I'm reading a good book these days, called Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist.  It was gifted to me by a great friend (thanks Elise!...shameless plug photo of her at one of her IntoHymn concerts while she was at JMU, and you can see everyones fav Erica, too!)

 I've had to start the book over this week on account of my poor memory and I had forgotten everything that had happened, so we're on round 2, but it's great..again!  The tagline for the book reads, "thoughts on change, grace and learning the hard way."  Perfect.  I think that describes my stage in life pretty darn well.  I'm learning the hard way a lot these days.  A lot about myself, how I react to change, how I react to myself, my own thoughts...and it's an uphill climb.  Ha, I think I just described everybodys experience, ever.  Aren't we all always in a constant state of change and difference in life?  Mine just happens to be something I never thought I'd go through and never have to deal with.  But like Shauna says, (and she says a lot I'll be quoting in the future) "I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything's easy," and also "change is not a function of life's cruelty but instead a function of God's graciousness."  I believe that.  How am I supposed to learn about myself except if my status quo is changed?  And I want to be challenged, I want to be stretched, remolded and to go beyond what I'm currently capable.  I think we all do.  But to do that, we have to be comfortable with the unknown.  Which is an uncomfortable feeling, most of the time.  Hmm.  I smell trouble.  Which is where I find myself these days.  Dissatisfied with my current situation...and I know what's in store!  (at least for the most part.) No matter how unpleasant it can all be, all the chemo, all the recovering, all the stretching, all the molding, it's how I react to it all that really molds me.  And I'm a little moldy these days ;)  I'm not the most pleasant person to be around, my temper is shorter, and I'm more prone to depressive states.  It's a fight, y'all...and I have thoughts on it.  You've heard of Charlie, aka Ninny.

Ninny and our nephew Mason, ready for the season with his jammies!

Well, little Ninny has had a cone of shame on since we adopted him, back in April.  Sidenote, we just found out last week that he does have allergies-yay! and boo.  But at least he's not crazy. Shoot, at least I'm not crazy. (oh, the jury's still out on that?) So the cone is on a little longer, as we get him used to his new drugs so he won't scratch himself to death.  So this little kitty has had to wear a plastic accessory which hinders his ability to eat, sleep, run...hahaha you should see him run down the hallway, reminds me of dizzybat game on Rodeo night at Young Life Camp, or a completely drunken college experience.  He swerves and trips with the best of them.  But he doesn't complain.  No protests, just love.  He's still the cuddliest, friendliest little feline.  He's even adapted and sleeps cone-down sometimes.  It's almost as if he says, "I know you're trying your best, I'll just wait here until you know what's wrong with me."  Charlie deals with his cone better than I deal with chemo.  I've been outdone by my cat.  

Maybe God allowed little Charlie to wander out of the woods into our lives to teach me something right now.  To show me that we're all hindered by something, whether lifelong or for a season.  And yet, it doesn't have to stop life.  Rather, in different ways it can season it, sprinkle it with change and challenges.  And like Shauna says in her book, "when life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate.  And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow."

Hello Heartburn

My heart burns for this little nugget

and probably also from the deliciously spicy Chicken Pad Thai Cory (bro-in-law) made last night.  I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help myself. 

Latest fun fact about chemo: Heartburn! It's not just for Senior Citizens anymore!  We're in NY for Thanksgiving week, visiting the niece and nephew (see cuteness above), but for the few days before we left, I was on the couch, sleeping upright so the fires of hades, and all things I ate didn't consume my throat...passage. 

More to come this week, but for now Mason and I are enjoying what we all should at any age...lunch.  Enter PB&J and carrots.  :)

life is good.