Just Keep Swimming

It's been a rough couple of days.  Rough two days really, but it seems longer.  Chemo does that to me, makes some of the bad days seem much longer than they actually are.  But it also makes the good days last long too, so no complaints cause it seems my body doesn't have a double standard.  Excellent.

It's a rainy Monday here in Lexington, my favorite.  And it's fall.  Double whammy!  My mom brought me a new candle this weekend, among other things-it's apple spice potpourri.  (It only took me two tries to spell "potpourri."  #win :)  It's the little things in life...) Its making our entire house smell perfect.

But back to the rough days.  Not that I want to prolong them, or relive them.  I do want to keep it real, though.  There's always 2, maybe 3 days during the week following chemo that I get really emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat, I'm more anxious, nervous and jittery.  Well this was one of them.  And I made the mistake of watching A Baby Story on TLC while in this state....well, I made the mistake of watching about 4 episodes of it...basket case.  Apologies to our mail-woman who probably did not appreciate the sob fest she greeted at the door to hand me our mail.  *But thanks to the new cards and presents I've received :)  Well, I realized it was doing me no good to cry anymore with the new moms and dad's on tv, so I switched the channel...wrong.  Who knew Julie & Julia should also be off limits?? However, and I have Katie Sienicki to vouch for this...I do a pretty killer Julia Child impersonation.

Anyway, those rough days...haha, don't seem so rough as I read what I wrote.  But for anyone who's unfortunately had to go through chemo, I think it does something to you throughout.  Physically, obviously, but also mentally, emotionally, and any other -ally's.  I'm just not myself.  I don't really want to answer the phone (truly sorry to those of you I ignored, it'll pass), don't want to get on facebook, don't want to talk to anybody-Charlie's the exception :) He's just a great listener. But the thing is, I still need that.  I need the contact of others.  While God is my ultimate, y'all are encouragement,  light, hope...friends.  So I realize it after a while and come down from the ledge, but I guess what I'm trying to say is I see a little more that my life isn't always in my own hands.  I'm not always in control and I can't predict, let alone change what might happen in some situations.  For a few days, I'm not in control.  Not in control of crying over new babies or Beef Bourguignon, and certainly not in control over my appetite.


This go around, this chemo has been very interesting in the nausea department, and it's definitely earned the right to have it's own department!  Praise God, the jaw pain didn't show up this time, but nausea sure did.  And sensitivity to smells.  I've strategically placed wooden clothes pins around the house in case I need a quick fix to whatever smell is not welcome in that room.  Charlie's litter box...obviously I don't love a whiff of this normally, but it can send me into dry heaves.  Anything we throw in the kitchen garbage better be outside within a few hours or it flirts with other discarded trash and makes little trash babies which smell way worse than the sum of their parts should.  And the poor fridge...I never know what'll set me off!  ha.  I also have "processed days," and "fresh days."  I'll work on their names...not very catchy.  But sometimes I'm all excited cause I crave stuff like this:

Breakfast brunch from Sunday-my mom's birthday!

But sometimes, I crave this:

Sometimes a girl needs her processed food!

But this has to be my staple for this treatment:

chicken nuggets. dipped in ketchup and honey. yum. in a stolen ramekin from Chili's.  (I have a slight klepto problem with little dishes when I eat out...sorry food industry.)

The night I took this photo I ate these, plus 8 more, plus two of Chad's which I took off his plate for bad behavior.  That was too much.

[honest moment: I wrote everything above on Monday and didn't want to change it all to the present, so enjoy a few days of life]


It's Wednesday now.  Things are much better.  I started feeling 90% better this morning, and like anything tough that we get through, I only have the memories.  But not the actual feeling of going through it, does that make sense? The memories are kind of hazy and not as strong as they once were, and by the end of this treatment cycle, they'll go away all together and just add to my overall experience.  And then we'll make new memories, pleasant and unpleasant.  Because, like a little fishy reminded us, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

Charlie's New Do!

Charlie got a present todayyyy.  He's thrilled!

 Top view!  Such great layers.

He's so excited for his new wig!  Today we match.  And now you can call him Cyndi Lauper, please.

Thanks Janet!  

p.s. no good pics from the Pie Festival, but we did get two pies!

Chemo #3

I like to write everyday, because I like to read other peoples blogs everyday, and figure I'm not the only one!  But sadly I'm just not always up for it these days.  Or, just about the same percentage of the time, don't have enough time management to get it done everyday ;)  Ryan Clegg and Chris Girardi, you feel my pain, I know.

But thankfully, I'm having a pretty good recovery thusfar!  Chemo #3 was yesterday, and it was quite funny.  A really long day, as far as treatment goes, but hilarious mostly because of the people that we came in contact with.

Here, let me introduce you to some of them :)  Dang it, I don't have pictures of them all (shame on me) but I'll do my best to describe them and their awesome personalities.  And I realized after chatting with some of you, that I don't, or haven't described my experiences in chemo that well, so welcome to my world, every other Thursday!

1. Shawnita.  Or Shawnie for short.  She's the receptionist/scheduler in my oncologists office and she already starts to run the other way when she see's us coming...or really when she sees Chad coming.  He has such an influence on people ;)  Totes still loves us though.  She's got about as much sass as...a person you can think of with tons of sass-my wit is not on point tonight-and probably the biggest heart you can imagine.  And she's always got a great crazy story about men.  She thinks them all kind of crazy and not always worth their weight.

2. Tamara: she's the nurse who usually installs (is that the right term?) my IV for the day.  She's a little standoffish each time I've gone in, and then of course it's my goal to make her warm up!  Well, (brushing my shoulders off) this time I succeeded.  I mentioned I live in Lexington and she told me all about her brother in law who works in Lexington and owns a tattoo shop (do we even have such a thing?) and we bonded.  Mission accomplished :)  Hopefully she remembers me next time.  People frequently forget me after the first time we meet, but I've made the best of it and tell myself I'd be great in the CIA or FBI cause I've got an easily forgettable face.  

3. Phillip-oooh Phillip.  My nurse for the day. Haha, he was a RIOT.  Starting with our agreeing that Halloween is the best holiday and him proceeding to tell me his favorite costume was the year he dressed up as a nurse...are you as confused as I was?  Well, I didn't realize it until further into the story, about the time he had to go to the bathroom to fix his pantyhose...that this was a sexy girly nurse costume.  Oh, well duh Phillip!  It's always more fun to dress as the opposite sex on halloween, wouldn't you agree Ali Jordan?

4. But my favorite funny person yesterday has to be this girl:

Stephanie was one of our very first Young Life girls at West Springfield (sniff, tear) when I lead there.  I definitely know that one of the first clubs was at her house, if not the first, and she agreed, saying, "We did a game with whipped cream because there's still a whipped cream stain on our living room wall."  Ah, can't say I remember the game, but a very knowing feeling came back to me...every YL leader has had it at least once, but usually every week....after club...when we have to apologize to the parents who hosted Club that week for the broken such-and-such, or stained something, or "thanks for letting us use your [insert household object here] but we're gonna have to get you a new one...hahaha oh Young Life parents, you weren't thanked enough!  Never did I get chewed out like I deserved, and on top of that, you let us back another week...or 6!  But you got it...that getting kids to the feet of Jesus, or knee deep in the Gospel, or however you put it, definitely trumps any material object that had the misfortune of getting in the way.

Anyway, Stephanie totes made my Chemo #3, cause she's freakin hilarious.  If you don't know her, stalk her and meet her.  She's an engineering major at UVA if that helps ;)  We haven't seen each other since her graduation, but she's one of those girls that you can catch up with if it's been 3 days, or 3 years.  Thanks for keeping us company yesterday Steph :)  And for your awesomely hilarious stories, of which I'll keep to myself.

Fun fact, I like using (what I deem) unusual phrasing of words when I talk (see last sentence of above paragraph) I like to mix it up-not sure why- maybe it's to make myself seem wiser or something...but I'm starting to think I don't use them correctly.  Just an observation.

So chemo.  Goes a little something like this: (feel free to add free credit report dot com theme music cause I am!)

Get up in the morning, maybe take a shower.  Feeeeeed the kitty.  Jump in the car with Chadwick, pray a little bit, get on the road northbound.  Take 81 to 64 east, then exit 118.  Try and bypass all the traffic (useless endeavor) and get to the parking garage at the Emily Couric Cancer Center.  D33!!  That's our regular parking spot :)  We try and get it every time and when we don't...we slash the tires of whoever is parked there.

Pass the nicest parking attendants...especially the guy who's there just to open the door from the parking garage outside.  What what, UVA?  Nicely done.

Get inside, register and head over to the lab.  Have a nice little rendevous with Tamara (see above) and pray that I've had enough water in the past 24 hours to find a good vein, "little pinch," they always say the same thing, haha, and head up to see my dr!  He's such an awesome guy, really personable, quite unlike a lot of docs I've met in the past...and proceed to have an argument with Chad about what really happened over the past 2 weeks.  Usually in front of the doctor.  Probably why he can charge so much, he also doubles as our marriage counselor.  But he really is great, and quite thorough, spending as much time as I need or he needs to get all the info he wants. 

Then we head to the infusion center.  With floor to ceiling windows on one side of the waiting room, and still the shoddiest cell phone reception in the whole building.  #firstworldproblems. We wait here anywhere from 15-45 minutes to get back and start my chemo.  

Our favorite spot to get is the knitting circle.  It's 8 chairs, 4 on either side of the room with a nurses station in the center.  We love it because it's totally a representation of community and they really try to promote it there.  But we've also gotten the pleasure of a corner room (fancy fancy) with windows on two walls.  (You can see some pics of it here)  Chad and I both agree that it would be awesome to get this room when it's pouring down rain sometime, and only I agree that it would also be awesome to get it during a blizzard!

So chemo usually takes about 3 1/2 to 4 hours.  Or if it was yesterday, 4 hours with an extra 2 hours added onto the beginning for new nurses to get trained, and an IV that only wanted to liberate itself from my arm.  In the end, he won his battle.  New IV to the rescue!  Which is much better than working with one that only halfway works.  Ah, I blame it on my bad-veined arm.  I try and have them switch it up each time, Right arm one time, Left the next.  So far we're Right arm:3, Left arm: 0.  I think I've got a rogue limb with his own agenda.

Anyway, there's usually lunch in there somewhere-or like yesterday, a plate of salad fixings with no dressing (thanks to Chad) haha. 

We chat up whichever nurse has the pleasure of being with us that day, and pass the time reading or hanging out with visitors.  Well, visitor, as Steph has been our first and only! Then we finish up, with the last of the drugs taking the longest (90 minutes-and it stings the whole time-ugh) and get in the car and head back to Lex-Vegas!   I'm quite drugged up at this point-with all the pre-chemo anti-nausea drugs, and benadryl and chemo, obviously.  But then we go home and get post-chemo, anti-nausea drugs...and I pass out. That's what my chemo days look like!  If you've made it this far, hurrah! 

But the coolest, and I do mean the coolest thing yesterday was getting on fb between appointments and seeing, no, experiencing a mass photo bomb of friends from allll over who changed their profile pics, and updated photos of the two of us, and wrote just awesome little diddies and memories on my facebook wall that we shared together.  Haha, I feel like I keep saying it, but you guys, you friends, you family just keep blowing me away with how you love me.  I will write back to everybody, it just might take me a few days.  Thanks for keeping me encouraged!  Y'all are the best.  THE BEST. Thank you.

Now it's time for bed.  The rents are coming tomorrow and there's a Pie Festival in Lexington.  I love small town life.

Here's To You

Here's to you, friends. (Picture me raising my glass to you) Extended friends, friends of friends, new friends, old friends, friends I haven't met yet :)  Here's to you family.  Sisters, momma, daddy, aunts, uncles, grandmas, cousins, niece, nephew, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, YL family, church family, Lexington family, Funfax family, Chespeake family...there's a lot of you!  Be proud of that.  I believe it's how God intended us to live...in community.  We're just lucky we live in a day and age that a 2,4, or 6 hour trip in a day is nothing, and where we can text, call, email, fb, tweet anyone anytime of the day.  I know it can be overwhelming sometimes, I feel it frequently-the pressure to be in constant contact with people. But not today.  Today I'm thankful for that, for being able to talk to or hear from any of y'all whenever   Thankful for all of you.  Even those of you I don't know well, or at all-I'm thankful for you, too.  Thankful for prayers from people I've never met, and those from people I do know ;)

I'm continually in awe of how well we're loved.  How much you guys are loving us.  And it wasn't just when we found out I have cancer.  It's been all along.  I was in awe when Chad and I got married this past December...

(haha, I was wondering how I was going to include a picture in this post...got 'em!) ...and how much y'all loved us.  And yes, we know we haven't finished our thank you notes for that yet...so sorry.  They're coming!  You showed up to celebrate the wedding with us, and have adopted us as a couple into different friend groups, whereas before we were solo friends with y'all.

But then we got some womp womp news last month, and you've showered us with love.  And presents :)  And cards.  And emails, fb messages, texts.  This is just a little way I can thank you for all of that. 

Hmm, I felt like I wanted to express myself better in this post.  Or more.  Because I just don't want any confusion when I say these words: Thank You.  I hope you feel the great amount of gratitude and love I'm putting into those words.

I've been a little emotional today...and I owe it mostly to, or blame it all on, the current playlist I've had running the past couple of hours.  Music really does add to a good portion of my memories, and my mood.  And this playlist I probably made in 2010, and it's got a hodgepodge on it-oldies, new stuff, country, rock and roll, Miley Cyrus-she's her own category-...But man oh man, I've stopped a few times today and just pondered as different songs played.  Knowing I've wanted to write this blog post for a while now, and trying to word some stuff out in my head so it came out exactly as I wanted it to...and laughing now cause I don't think anything except for the title stuck. 
[Currently running through my speakers: Beyoncee, Single Ladies] So I'm pumped right now.

Excuse me as I break for a solo dance party...

Sorry, no video of that.  You've just got to seize the opportunity when it strikes!

So thank you.  For it all.  Gifts, both tangible and not.  Prayers-seriously, thank you for those. ["Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24]

And let me just take a moment...like I mentioned above, I was moved...by some Rascal Flatts songs today.  No, no, this is actually serious.  (Specifically "Why" from their Unstoppable album)

"Oh, I had no idea you were masking, a troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong..."

We all struggle at times.  It may be something visible, but I feel more often than that it's inside, it's hidden...and that's the way we want to keep it.  There's a slew of things we deal with, and I can't even pretend to know or always identify with the deep hurts there are, but I know the other side: the 180 of that: there are people who love you.  Or people who want to love you, if they only got the chance. If you only gave them the chance.

"This old world really ain't that bad a place..."

I believe that.  I hope that makes some sense, but I'm really moved today at how broken this world is, and yet, there's hope.  And if you've never entertained the idea of hope, try it now...I can't promise it'll happen immediately, but it won't disappoint.  Something I believe in goes like this: "Trials and tribulations produce perseverance, and perseverance produces character, and character hope.  And hope does not disappoint."

Nuggets from Emily today haha. 

Well, that's all folks, except I've got to tell you that the last song on this playlist is "Heal the World" by the fabulous MJ-(Michael Jackson). Oh MJ. So so fitting. 

Extra Wide Part

While in the shower this morning, I had a thought.  It went like this, "This is the last day I'll wash my hair." For a while at least.  I wonder if I'm supposed to wash a bald head.  Does it really get dirty if there's no hair?
Oh, this is the last day I'll wash my hair because we shaved it tonight!  It's been falling out for about 10 days now, and it's very evident that it's past the point of a cute pixie cut or sweet mohawk.  The bald spots are now impossible to cover up with other hair.  I look quite funny.  I've taken to wearing scarves everyday-beautiful ones my Grandma sent me! but when the scarves are off, Chad laughs and says I look like a little boy.  It's true.  The little hair I have left falls in a perfect middle part, and is straight until it comes past my ears, and all that gets curly.  I'm like a bad school photo.  I should put up my sixth grade photo just for comparison.  Thank goodness I've still got eyelashes and can wear mascara! The clippers came over tonight.  Literally-Homes is brought them, and we shaved this mother trucker!
Enjoy some pics...

 here we go!  Notice the extra wide part and all those patches...not how it's supposed to look, folks ;)

 Thomas fulfilled a dream tonight...cutting someones hair. 

 And then B took a try!

 hahah, I was chatting the entire time, I didn't know what the process looked like, so thanks Dave for leaving that beautiful front section.

 hahaha I had to put this one up-ewwww look at whats left, just the sideburns.

 hit a rough patch.

 Thanks friends for making this a memorable night :)  and Happy Birthday Kel!

 Finished product.  Chad calls it my marshmallow head.  Guess I should try and get it a little tan before the suns all gone.

lastly, my awesome barber.  Thanks Dave!

Surprise!! It's a girl!!!

There's a new little lady in our life.  Meet Marin Elizabeth Danner.  No no, not our little bundle of joy.  However, this sweet gal is our new niece!  And we couldn't be more thrilled to be an aunt and an uncle again.  Congrats Cory and Tracey! 

And yes I'm biased, however, I think you'll all agree this little china doll is SO CUTE.  Look at those eyes.  And this pic was when she was only a few days old.  She's now one week, one day old. 
xoxo Em

Aunt Jemima is back y'all!

Oh, you weren't aware that's my nickname?  ...
Well as you can see here, getting into character is coming quite easily.

Sorry for the delay in posting, but this week has been especially rough in the recovery department.  Good thing I've got my great nurse and my trusty cuddle buddy to help!

That's my nurse.  Eating lunch on a trashcan.

And cuddle buddy Charlie.  He's obvi not the nurse, y'all.  His lack of thumbs totes takes him out of the running for that job. Seriously...the things you come up with...

So, why the fabulous headgear, Aunt Jemima?  Well, the latest Adventures in Cancer around here are that I've started losing my hair!  Weee!!  Cause, what else can you say?  Just like any unfortunate men, I can't stop it, so I'm embracing it :)  If you didn't know, I've actually always (or for the past 4 years) wanted to shave my head, but since I never did it in college and then felt like post college I was supposed to be a "responsible adult," and keep my hair...it never happened.  So this is a small blessing, or a beware of what you wish for scenario!  I started losing my hair last Friday and it's been a steady process ever since.  Showering has been interesting, as the texture of what hair I have left is also changing (perhaps from the roots being dead? Dunno.  A question for my nurse-*not Chad) and usually it's just one big mass when I go to shampoo it.  So, it usually ends up getting a healthy dose of conditioner dumped on it, hoping that will help the untangling process.  I would totally get that No More Tears Detangler spray for kids (that stuff always looked awesome-any kids I used to babysit, know I was jealous of your sweet bathroom products) however, it looks like all my poop brown locks are gonna be gone soon, so there's $3.94 saved, ow!
I was feeling squirrely last week after Chemo #2 (more on that later in this post) and actually blowdried and straightened my hair-gasp-but, hahaha, it was overall a waste of time.  I had a lot of beautifully straightened and styled hair...all in the sink.  As fast as I would straighten and style it, I would be pulling it off of the straightener and from my shoulders. 
[could I say the word "straightener" any more? ;) ] [for kara whipple and all those who love mean girls: say crack again. crack.]

I will save you the pics of my hair in the sink, in the shower, on the floor, cause that's just mrhh.  Cause I have them, ooh yes I do.  Fun fact for the day:  hair is totally ok, as long as it's on someones head.  Once hair leaves the head, even mine, gross.

Excuse me as I pause for a marital dispute.  Chad just informed me, rather reluctantly, that he spent $130 at CVS.  CVS, really?  I can't even make it sound like I'm yelling cause CVS is already capitalized.  Dang you, CVS.  Oh, spending alert.  Red flag.  And he gets on my case for getting my nails done once a month-which is totally my safe space.  My zone.  Where I got to relax.  grrr.

So...Chemo #2 happened last Thursday.  Enjoy some pics :)

Mid-bite.  Gotcha!  I was craving Chipotle, and we don't have on in Lex-Vegas, so it was a treat.

Time to snuggle up with a good book.  Or, what I hope will be a good book.  Siddhartha, anyone?  Can't say it's a page turner, thus far.

They treat you right at the Emily Couric Center.  As usual, I brought too much to do.  Hardly made a dent in my reading plan for the day.  Ah, learning as I go.  But I also have a beautiful new addition to my life...that snuggly looking purple blanket was a gift from an old friend from high school whose husband went through cancer a few years back.  What an awesome surprise that was!  It's my chemo blanket now :) Thanks Miranda & Rob!

This last little beauty was courtesy of Chad, who informed me that I had "some lettuce" stuck in my teeth after lunch.  Eh, I was just saving it for later.

So Chemo #2 went well, and we headed to the lake after that for Labor Day with Chad's rents.  But they left early in the morning (4:30 early) on Saturday because...it's a surprise!

oh ho ho you'll have to wait until next time, because it deserves it's own post :)

As I said before, this recovery session has been rough.  I felt great over the weekend, got to spend time with amazing friends who came to visit and spend sweet time with Chad, but things took a turn for the worse on Monday.  Just a moment of a pity party-jaw pain was i.n.t.e.n.s.e. Nausea was in and out, and overall fatigue was in full force.  Oh and the hot flashes.  Menopausal ladies, I salute you. Hot flashes make me want to pull my hair out, if it wasn't already doing that by itself.  But like mi madre said, "this, no matter what it makes you feel, means that the drugs are doing their job."  True, double true.  So drug me up, buckle up and let's continue this ride! 

Encouragement I received from a friend today: "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:7) That's what gets me through, y'all.  Cause I don't understand it all.  And most of the time, I don't question it.  Cause it will just make me go in circles.  Instead, I've got to turn back to Christ and put my faith in Him.  Nothing else fits.

Until next time...