Just Keep Swimming

It's been a rough couple of days.  Rough two days really, but it seems longer.  Chemo does that to me, makes some of the bad days seem much longer than they actually are.  But it also makes the good days last long too, so no complaints cause it seems my body doesn't have a double standard.  Excellent.

It's a rainy Monday here in Lexington, my favorite.  And it's fall.  Double whammy!  My mom brought me a new candle this weekend, among other things-it's apple spice potpourri.  (It only took me two tries to spell "potpourri."  #win :)  It's the little things in life...) Its making our entire house smell perfect.

But back to the rough days.  Not that I want to prolong them, or relive them.  I do want to keep it real, though.  There's always 2, maybe 3 days during the week following chemo that I get really emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat, I'm more anxious, nervous and jittery.  Well this was one of them.  And I made the mistake of watching A Baby Story on TLC while in this state....well, I made the mistake of watching about 4 episodes of it...basket case.  Apologies to our mail-woman who probably did not appreciate the sob fest she greeted at the door to hand me our mail.  *But thanks to the new cards and presents I've received :)  Well, I realized it was doing me no good to cry anymore with the new moms and dad's on tv, so I switched the channel...wrong.  Who knew Julie & Julia should also be off limits?? However, and I have Katie Sienicki to vouch for this...I do a pretty killer Julia Child impersonation.

Anyway, those rough days...haha, don't seem so rough as I read what I wrote.  But for anyone who's unfortunately had to go through chemo, I think it does something to you throughout.  Physically, obviously, but also mentally, emotionally, and any other -ally's.  I'm just not myself.  I don't really want to answer the phone (truly sorry to those of you I ignored, it'll pass), don't want to get on facebook, don't want to talk to anybody-Charlie's the exception :) He's just a great listener. But the thing is, I still need that.  I need the contact of others.  While God is my ultimate, y'all are encouragement,  light, hope...friends.  So I realize it after a while and come down from the ledge, but I guess what I'm trying to say is I see a little more that my life isn't always in my own hands.  I'm not always in control and I can't predict, let alone change what might happen in some situations.  For a few days, I'm not in control.  Not in control of crying over new babies or Beef Bourguignon, and certainly not in control over my appetite.


This go around, this chemo has been very interesting in the nausea department, and it's definitely earned the right to have it's own department!  Praise God, the jaw pain didn't show up this time, but nausea sure did.  And sensitivity to smells.  I've strategically placed wooden clothes pins around the house in case I need a quick fix to whatever smell is not welcome in that room.  Charlie's litter box...obviously I don't love a whiff of this normally, but it can send me into dry heaves.  Anything we throw in the kitchen garbage better be outside within a few hours or it flirts with other discarded trash and makes little trash babies which smell way worse than the sum of their parts should.  And the poor fridge...I never know what'll set me off!  ha.  I also have "processed days," and "fresh days."  I'll work on their names...not very catchy.  But sometimes I'm all excited cause I crave stuff like this:

Breakfast brunch from Sunday-my mom's birthday!

But sometimes, I crave this:

Sometimes a girl needs her processed food!

But this has to be my staple for this treatment:

chicken nuggets. dipped in ketchup and honey. yum. in a stolen ramekin from Chili's.  (I have a slight klepto problem with little dishes when I eat out...sorry food industry.)

The night I took this photo I ate these, plus 8 more, plus two of Chad's which I took off his plate for bad behavior.  That was too much.

[honest moment: I wrote everything above on Monday and didn't want to change it all to the present, so enjoy a few days of life]


It's Wednesday now.  Things are much better.  I started feeling 90% better this morning, and like anything tough that we get through, I only have the memories.  But not the actual feeling of going through it, does that make sense? The memories are kind of hazy and not as strong as they once were, and by the end of this treatment cycle, they'll go away all together and just add to my overall experience.  And then we'll make new memories, pleasant and unpleasant.  Because, like a little fishy reminded us, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."